ACTUAL FACTUAL AF

Hello? Hi.
If you're reading this now, it's not because I told you to come here. Which means one of two things:
1. You're somewhere, missing me (how funny - I'm absolutely certain I'm missing you too).
2. You're reminiscing on the magic of us (likewise, I do that every day).
Now that you're here, I should tell you something. It doesn't matter the time of day, day of the week, year, space or season we are in, I am loving you. I am cheering for you. I am carrying you with me and still daydreaming of your smile. You can always be sure of these things.

October 13, 2021

"Let's go on a road trip." I wanted to say, "You pack a toothbrush and I'll bring the camera you hate. Let's drive to new cities where we've never been, and fall in love with the noise. Let's stay in fancy hotels and order room service so we never have to leave the bed; Let's go hiking until we reach the sun. Let's fall asleep along the beach and wake up with the ocean at our feet. Let's laugh at the way we get caught in the rain. Let's kiss under a thousand stars (our stars). Let's wake up at 5am and watch the sunrise, or wake up at 11am and let the sunrise watch us." I wanted to say, "Let's fall in love like it's the first time. Let's pretend to meet again. Maybe this time we'll be able to work things out. Maybe this time life won't get in the way of what our souls know all too well."

October 18, 2021

You are not the woman I wished for.

Where did you come from, human?

You are not the bones or the laughter, or the strangeness I ordered.

You do not consist of the madness I so desperately and achingly long for.

You are tender and sweet and as soft and lovely as a bouquet of clouds,

you are more soul than body,

more grace than bones,

more heart than lust.

But, you are not what I wanted.

Which analogy or metaphor or word should I give you,

with tears in my eyes to tell you something that is as simple as the moon is bright;

You are not what I wanted.

You, are better.

October 21, 2021

I want the 4a.m. version of you. Half drunk on wine, half drunk on nostalgia. I want to see your eyes light up when you remember all of the old stories that made you who you are today. I want to hold your hand while you cry because you don't know what the fuck any of us are doing in this life anymore. I want to half-smile and cheers you to figuring out newer and crazier dreams and when you ask "how" I want to say "together". I want to hold you in my arms, all of the nights, and say "together" - And then fall asleep.

October 31, 2021

We should have never left Mexico. Let's go back.

December 3, 2021

I thought about kissing you today

and yesterday

and the day before that.

I know I'll think about kissing you tomorrow

and the day after that

and some more days after those days.

I think about kissing you slowly

and tracing my fingers

along your lips.

I think about you kissing me

in the car, in the rain,

on your doorstep.

I think about you kissing

my cheek, my dimple, your spot.

I think about you kissing only me.

I think about kissing only you.

Not anyone else,

just you.

December 17, 2021

I could not be more in love with you. That's all.

January 2, 2022

The blanket. The watch. The time. Your Words.

You. Are. Everything.

January 6, 2022

48 hours until we leave and I CANNOT wait to be in Mexico, holding your hand every step of the adventure.

I love you, baby. More. Most. Always.

January 19, 2022

Come live with me. We can be sick and play house together. xx

February 8, 2022

When I think of someone being far away, I picture miles of land and oceans to cross. And distance to me meant hours or days of traveling through airports, to the point of exhaustion. But here I am, with my hand tangled in your hair and there is only skin to separate us. I can feel you breathing against my lips and somehow you are still not close enough.

February 28, 2022

Thank you for coming into my life when you did. I didn’t know back then I was meeting someone who would stick by my side for years and years. Thank you for standing by my side when I faced obstacles that had nothing to do with you. It didn’t matter what the problem was; you still chose to hold my hand when I felt everything was falling apart. You didn’t have to take on issues that weren’t your own, and you didn’t have to be supportive when it wasn’t your responsibility. Still, your presence was the very reason I believed I could make it through. Thank you for creating memories with me that I couldn’t imagine making with anyone else. Thank you for staying up late to talk to me about life, or heartache, or even something as trivial as a tv show plot. Thank you for coming with me to explore new places, and for showing me what things I might have been missing that were right in front of me. Thank you for showing me your perspectives on life, for making me better. Thank you for loving me even when I felt unlovable. For knowing who I am as a person and never giving up on me, even if it seemed easier at the time. Thank you for reminding me of every good thing you had learned about me since the day we met- how you have five years of experience in what my heart looks like. Thank you for cheering me on when I couldn’t take another step, and for being my biggest supporter through everything. Thank you for not allowing the changes in life to tear us apart. Whether it was distance, relationships, new jobs, new opportunities, or just hectic schedules, you stayed consistent in maintaining our friendship, our "us"-ness. Smaller things than these can tear people apart without trying, and yet you were always willing to fight for this to survive. And we’re better for it- we’ve learned how to speak up for what is important to us. You taught me when it means to be dependable and thoughtful, even when everything else around you isn’t. Thank you for choosing to be in my life. I am so thankful for your heart.

April 3, 2022

Day Date - The Princess Bride

Come my love, I'll tell you a tale
Of a girl and girl and their love story
And how she loved her oh, so much,
And all the charms she did possess.

My love is like a storybook story.
But it's as real as the feelings I feel.
My love is like a storybook story.
But it's as real as the feelings I feel;
It's as real as the feelings I feel.

I love you, baby. As you wish.

February 2, 2023

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts

It's been a while since I've logged in here - What a miss. I suppose April we were busy organizing my apartment, finding the right places for things and exploring new space - Just to end up packing it all back up. Silly how much it hits me certain days. I still know how much time it takes to get from that apartment to your house - at 8am, or noon, or 430 in the afternoon - even the 2am traffic on the return route. I know there are exactly 38 street lamps, 1 stop sign and only 4 cross walks. I can get through the entire More Of You (Magic!) song before parking in the cul de sac - But I always listened one extra time before tugging on the string and walking through the side gate. I can still close my eyes and feel my body walk through the motions - grabbing the garage door handle while stretching out my neck, leaning right to see if I could spot your feet through the shed door. I always liked when I found you out there first - Even if brief, I was able to steal a smile just for myself. Given a few minutes to crack a joke or make you laugh. To tell you that you looked beautiful and watch in awe of you as you dismissed the compliment. Why do you do that? Don't you know you're the best view these eyes have ever seen? Like hiding your face or turning away from me would change anything? As if I don't have every freckle, eye lash, laugh line, and every subtle navy speck in your iris memorized? I only know you in the most finite details. Maybe that's what makes living far away so hard - You're still here. I can still smell your perfume, I still move in certain ways around the kitchen because I anticipate where you'll be stepping behind me - foolishly waiting to feel your hand on the small of my back, or your fingers finding the front of my hip bones as you open a drawer. Sometimes I pretend - I pause slicing, stirring, mixing, whatever it may be, just to think of you. What a gift to be in your space. I wonder if you'll ever know what the little moments mean to me. If somehow I could make you realize that I dream of the minutes most people would overlook. I am permanently stained with love for you.

I've tried to unlove you. Guilty. I've tried to unsee you in this trance-like light. I've tried to forget the way my heart floats when I feel your lips on mine. I've tried to downplay the chemistry - to avoid the obvious pull your soul has on mine. But you're a beautiful, kind, smart, undeniable magnet - And I, just a silly love-struck piece of metal that cannot fight a force as big as you. As us. As love.

I've tried everything to shift this heart towards a mediocre, normal, easy, friendly love for you.

It doesn't exist.

You weren't made for a mediocre, normal, easy, or friendly love.

You were made for magic, soul-moving, safe, adventurous, healing, star-crossed love.

And I was made to give it to you.

I'll believe that, until the day these lungs run out of air, and this heart stops singing for you.

I just needed some place to lay this down today. I love you. I hope you can feel it wherever you are.

March 6, 2023

You stopped saying "Goodnight" again.

I wish I didn't care about that.

March 28, 2023

I left Vegas a month ago today and I'm not set to see you again until May 5th. I think this might be the longest stretch we will go without physically seeing each other. Ugh. I. Miss. You.

June 22, 2023

You left yesterday and it was the most magical 48 hours I could have asked for.

I love loving you.

July 18, 2023

Chicago was magical and so are you. I love your heart and the fact that we found eachother - That we don't let this/us slip away. You are my favorite everything.

December 22, 2023

I'd like to remind you (I feel like I need to remind you), that we aren't hard.

Saying goodnight isn't hard. Calling back isn't hard. Saying "I love you too" isn't hard.

It's laughable to write out that it isn't hard. Where are you?

I feel like I'm right back where I was, standing outside your door - Painfully out of place.

Where is your heart? Aren't I in there someplace? Haven't I made a cozy enough home for you in mine? You are safest with me - How is that lost on you? How have I become the thing you opt out on? What makes me not worth it now?

2021.

I spend so many minutes in each day taking mental photos of the way your eyes look in the sun, replaying the feeling of that first hug after I haven't seen you for a few days, the sweet and soft touch of your lips on my cheek before I even open my eyes for the day, or the mental notes about things that make you laugh, the things that make you cry, the moments that take your breath away or transport your heart back to a childhood memory; My point being, when September hits each year and I think of the things I want to recap, detail and relive with you - it's seldom that I lean towards the big, obvious ones. I've found myself holding on with every ounce of my heart strings to the smell of your perfume when you lean across me to wash your hands at the sink, the way your hand always finds the small of my back - in bed, at the market, or shuffling through the grocery store. It's the way your eyes close when I tuck the hair behind your ear, or how your lips slowly transition from a kiss to a smile as our faces pull away. I've spent yet another year falling deeply, sweetly, and effortlessly in love with the details of you. I've never known anyone who's captivated my heart, mind, and body the way that you do. Loving you is an experience of a lifetime.

The year held a lot of new, a lot of unknown, and a lot of opportunity for us to grow (individually and together). This will be the year I look back on and know that everything changed. I've bunny-earred certain pages of my journal over the last 9 months - They won't be perfectly stated, in order, or perhaps even make sense - but all I've ever really known to do when it comes to you is let my heart/love stain messy pages.

Love Notes:

You are the stardust in my bones. Next to you seems to be the only place my atoms feel at home.
The best part of the day for these hands is when they can be on you. Any part of you. As much as they can hold.
This morning I woke up with my arms around you, and you rolled over quietly and asked what I thought we should have for dinner. I haven't ever felt more like yours in that simple, sweet moment - Dangling between daydream and reality.
Six Second Kisses.
I could spend all my days just looking at you.
Even on the hard days, I cannot imagine a version of this life, where you're not the one I'm longing for, reaching after, and pulling in close.
CAFUNE (Portuguese) (n.); the act of tenderly running one's fingers through someone's hair.
I often wish I could climb into your chest and kiss every part of you that you question.
I wish we never had to leave Carolina. My heart is drenched in joy from this trip. I am in love with you. And Us.
You asked me today when I knew that I loved you - And I'm still trying to think of a moment that I didn't.

To my birthday girl,

What a journey this has been. You are the only thing I can recall with such finite detail. Precision in memory - Exactness of what my mind, body and heart feel in your presence. From the first introduction, you have been sweetly familiar to my soul and that has only grown with each passing day.

When we first met, you said you liked my shirt (power blue), but I watched your eyes fixate on my lips. I studied yours and spent a moment thinking about what your smile tasted like - But my mouth was painted red like a stop sign and you didn't strike me to be one for breaking rules.

With the weeks to come, I spent more time watching that smile break across your face like the sun coming up first thing in the morning. I don't think I ever realized how dark my life was until you tossed your head back with laughter, and flashed a beautiful grin my way; I fell in love with the feeling of creating that view, that joy - Of making you happy. I spend all my days now hoping to be the cause of that smile.

I remember the first time you ever bought me flowers. I pressed one into my journal that night. You didn't know I liked putting my thoughts to paper back then, but those page-staining petals held more words than I knew how to say.

When you kissed me at the top of the ferris wheel, you told me you could taste the cinnamon sugar on my lips and laughed as I embarrassingly tried to wipe it away. Two times around and by the time we stumbled off the ride, the sugar dustings had been cleared from my mouth, but it didn't stop you from performing another taste test. I hope you always keep coming back for more.

You told me you loved me the first time by tracing the letters out with your fingertips between my shoulder blades. Your hand pausing between each word by resting flat against my warm skin. I heard you loud and clear, but asked you to write it again. You did - firmly, and slowly. Tracing all the letters I'd been aching to hear. You did so over and over again, until it was impossible for me to forget. And I never will.

To love and be loved by you, is everything I never knew I needed. Maybe it's that way for both of us. Unplanned, unexpected, unforgettable. Sweet Serendipity. If this is the magic we create now, I can't wait to see what the next life holds.

I love you - Madly.

Happy, happy birthday, my baby. Wishing, praying, and intentionally planning for the most joyful year your heart has ever known.

2020 - Just when I think I can't love you more... I do. Happy birthday, my girl.

2019 - Happy birthday, beautiful you.

To be completely honest, we both know I could fill an impressive amount of journals with all of my favorite things + memories when it comes to you.

You're my person - In every definition of the word. Your loyalty, friendship and love are unmatched.
You have good taste in music (yes, even the Oaks).
We can communicate without words.
I think of you every time I say things like: "Shoot", "Sugar", "Fark" - and it never fails to make me smile.
You're always up for mani/pedis.
Wine is never a question - Only an answer.
"seven, seven, seven!"
You're my favorite human to laugh with.
We can't stand all the same people. What a happy coincidence.
You feed my soul AND my stomach. I promise to never complain about your food-pushing habits (Julie Jr.).
I can be my real/raw with you.
Our daily lists and post-it note topics for conversations. I love that they never end.
You're the only person who understands the need for Starbucks (morning and afternoon).
You teach me new things all the time (I can already hear you singing "I'll teach you").
You're my work wife.
You keep my fashion in check - Damn that fanny pack. RIP.
You always lead with yes - Whether it's rap concerts, inspirational Rachel Hollis movies, games, events, weird hidden bars, countless trips to target, etc.
You prioritize the things in my heart and I love you for it.
Your stories. I love hearing about your life, your memories, your movie-store boss or hot twin bakery boys, runaway pets in the backyard or your Mountain Mama dreams. It's sweet knowing the things that have made you who you are today.
The 3,000,000 meals I've had at your house. Personal Pioneer Woman.
You support and encourage me, in every aspect of my world.
You listen to all my mindless stories and always ensure I feel heard.
You're spontaneous.
You dream with me. About business, about Paris, about babies, about concerts, about adventures, about anything/everything I throw your way.
The way you wear a wrap dress (400%).
You are THE most thoughtful person I've ever met.
You're *learning* not to fight with me about our Venmo relationship.
You've made finding/documenting Holly a new sport.
Our endless list of inside jokes.
You grew sunflowers (seems small, but you know how I love them).
COPD. You know why.
You've made Terry Party of 5 a thing.
You hold me when I cry.
You let me into your world. Your family. Your heart. Your work. Your hobbies. Your plans. Your paper calendar.
You're my favorite picnic date.
The good ol' days when we only worked Monday-Wednesday.
Breaking your pretty woman rules.
Our Dateline dates - Happy we share our moth to a flame interests in other people's crazy.
Wineski.
My twin flame. My shoe cobbler. My forever girl.
Lalu.
You continue to show up and be the bright spot during my darkest minutes.
You know I don't like milk. Unless it's in a double shot (in that case, extra milk).
You have the kind of heart people pray about finding/knowing; As a friend, a partner, a mother, a sister, a daughter - You make those who love you very, very proud.
You set an example for me everyday. I look up to you, admire you and respect you more than I can express.
With each new day we share together, I get to do four important things:

Learn more about your heart by listening to your stories or chatting about your past, your thoughts, your feelings, your dreams.
Live in the moments with you, big or small. To laugh with you, cry with you, celebrate, travel, grow, explore, dream, plan and BE with you - I intend to soak up every ounce of it.
To remind you of how wonderful it is to love and be loved by you. To experience your heart, the impact you make to those around you and the joy you bring to the world. You're bottled up sunshine, Kelli Terry.
Last but not least: More days with you means MORE OF YOU - And that's something my heart is always going to long for.

xoxo

Here's to the next trip around the sun - May it hold more beautiful memories, good wine and lots and lots of happiness. Happy birthday, Beautiful!

I love you - more and most.... ACTUAL FACTUAL AF!